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The second key point that has to be addressed in successful feedback is understanding of the problems. Understanding means that the giver can relate to the situation where the listener is, and fully acknowledge the hardship that the listener has experienced. It is one way to show the support to the listener and get him ready for the giver's opinion. If the feedback-giver does not express his acknowledgement of the real situation, no credibility will be built, and that is why the listener may interrupt and say "you don't understand what I have been through". Sometimes this feeling is not necessarily orally communicated. But, in stead of buying in what the giver has to say, the listener is no more than pretending to listen. I would like to call it "silent doubt".
"Silent doubt" usually happen between people from different hierarchies, when the one with authority, or of higher level, gives feedback to the one from low hierarchy. The authority usually enjoys some kind of privilege without awareness, so that they may be blind to the need of understanding and fail to express it in feedback. Due to economic, political or cultural reasons, the listener cannot say "you don't understand" directly. Therefore, they will keep this in mind and stay in silence, which undermines the effectiveness of the feedback as a whole.
In family communication, parents are authorities, while the child is the one of lower level. When parents try to correct their child's certain behavior, they tend to emphasize how wrong and unacceptable it is, and what the right behavior is. In this way, the massage about what the child should do is very clear, but, at the same time very hard for the child to absorb. He may know that his parents have a point, but he had his own reasons for the wrong behavior. If the parents could express their understanding by saying "I know school is hard""I had also been there", and analyzing the situation with the child, it will be very helpful to smooth the emotional reaction and draw the child into what they have to say.
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Annie,
ReplyDeleteAs I read your post it made me think of another word that could serve as a synonym in this case for understanding, which is empathy. I think it is important to show someone that you have either been in their shoes before or can at least relate to their situation. It builds credibility when people feel that you have actually experienced something similar before. I agree with you that it definitely makes the emotional reaction of the person receiving the feedback much more open-minded to the feedback.