Paradox of sisterhood

This post is inspired by Smith's explanation of the paradox of belonging (1997) and our class discussion (personal communication, February, 4, 2013). In Smith's book, the paradox of belongs exams the link between individual identity and group identity. There are four aspects of it, including the paradox of identity, involvement, individuality and bounties. When talking about the paradox of individuality, we summarized that it concerns the balance of individuals and the group. On the one hand, it is a human nature to be in a group and pursue acceptance and company from others. On the other hand, once included in a group, individuals want to stand out from the ordinary. Here comes the paradox.

Someone in class brought the example of twins to demonstrate the applicability of this theory. It just reminded me of my relationship with my sister (more accurately, my cousin). Two of us are like a group, and suffer from the paradox of individuality all the time, especially when we were younger.

My sister is nearly 5 years older than me. She lives in a big city that is 3-hours drive away from my small city. We usually have chances to spend a week together during each Spring festival and summer holiday. We miss each other a lot when we are apart, and are excited about each time we meet. The first two days together are always sweet and warm. We chats a lot and share secrets. She likes to bring me cute accessories, while I am her loyal admirer and follower. We are like an inseparable pair. However, problems emerge later on the third or fourth day. We begin to disagree with where to go or what to do. We may fight for the chance to sit in the front seat in a car, the chance to sleep with our grandma, or the control of the TV remoter. Things change again in the last one of two days, when we realize that we are going to be parted again. We become close and appreciate each other again, and feel reluctant to say goodbye. As my mom says, we can neither be apart nor be together.

This is a typical picture of the group life of my sister and I. There are three clear stages. It starts with harmonious group life. In this stage, the “groupness” dominants our relationship. We form a group “to meet intimacy and social needs” (Smith, 1997, p. 101). In the group, we provide each other the sense of need and always make and commit to our group decision. We are willing to scarify individually to please each other and maintain the group. Two days later, when the excitement fades away and our individualities are over repressed by the “groupness”, we feel uncomfortable about the relationship and fight to express ourselves as an individual. This is the rebounce of individuality resulted from mal-proportioned sense of group. However, the balance hasn’t been achieved until the third stage, when we reflect on the first two stages and become more rational about our relationship. We express our love to each other with respect and appreciate both individual and the group.

One interesting fact is that this cycle of paradox repeats itself years until a few years ago when I went to university and my sister began to work. For nearly twenty years before that, we always entrapped in the same paradox and learn to solve it again and again. I guess on of the reason is that we were young and immature, so that it was easy for us to repeat some mistakes. Also, each time we met, things were more or less different. In this way, we were always forming a new group, which was likely to suffer from this paradox. Now, although we have less time with each other, we have formed a mature group despite the physical distance, so that we cherish relationship and appreciate our time together much more.